My first new years resolution was to learn to let go. Let go of the past, let go of the pain, let go of the sorrow, and let go of hatred. If you’ve read my previous posts, it is pretty obvious what or whom I am referring to. For years all of those emotions were building up inside me. I carried that hatred and resentment and anguish and sorrow inside my heart for as long as I can remember. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure that is classified under “unhealthy”. 

So today I decided to go forth with that new years resolution. I sat on my bed, on my laptop and before I knew it, I was on his facebook. I must have gone back and forth between “okay you can do this” and “no don’t do this” in my head over and over again. I just didn’t know what to write……. and then it came to me. I just took a deep breath and let my fingers do the typing. It was clean, clear and to the point; I was letting go of the hate… you are no longer hated. That is not exactly what I wrote and I wrote a few other things but that is basically what it all meant. This is not me letting you back into my life, this is me letting you know that I no longer have that hatred in my heart for you. And it’s the truth! Honestly, I’m pretty proud of myself. I didn’t do this for him to sleep at night, it was for me. It was just a step forward for me. I felt nothing and I feel nothing for him. I just feel a little… lighter in my heart.

I’ve moved on and I couldn’t be happier with my decisions and my life. For once, I really am happy and I’m not putting a mask on for everyone. I only hope that this is not the end for me. I know that more things will come my way where I will harbor all of these emotions inside once more but I can only pray that I will continue to find the courage and the wisdom to be able to let it go.

Breathe.

This is me letting go… 

Last night I felt so defeated. The odd thing? Nothing had occurred to influence that feeling; a taste of depression for ya. I guess all of a sudden it all crashed down on me; my ambitions and my fears. It’s normal for any one my age to fear that they aren’t going to go anywhere in life. Fearing that no matter how hard they try, it just won’t work out and then they’ll be stuck working at some job they can’t stand like a retail store or WalMart or doing fucking taxes, watching their peers actually moving forward in their lives. Well, depending on what kind of career you want, you may not have much to fear. Maybe, your career is in demand and you will have no problem landing a job after college. Me? Well I had this crazy idea that maybe, just maybe I could make it as a TV host/anchor/what have you. 

Of course I chose one of the most competitive fields of work with the least likelihood of landing a job at a well-respected and well-known television network. I want to be the next Giuliana Rancic of E! News. These chances? SLIM. I used to have this huge confidence in myself. I really believed that I was something special, that I had something to offer that no one else did. I used to think that I had such talent and that I would make it. 

Well, last night it all hit me like a truck on the freeway. What if I’m not talented at all and people have just been lying to me? What if I’m not special and I’m just another Jane Doe that television networks could care less about? What if TV stations look at my resume or my demo-reel and just…laugh? What if I’ll be reduced to working in retail for the rest of my life or working at some stupid job that I could care less about?

What people don’t know about me is that this career option was kind of…thrust upon me and never in my life did I think I could enjoy something so much. I will never forget the feeling I had the first time I sat at the news desk in the studio, was put in front of a camera and delivered the news. I was terrified! Once I read my first story on the air, I got this huge feeling… of excitement and wanting more. After I finished my first newscast I knew that this was something that I couldn’t let pass me by; this was something that I wanted… no, needed in my life. I used to study my idol Giuliana Rancic all the time to try and pick up tips for anchoring, I started taking more classes related to that particular field of work, I created/produced/starred my own TV show to gain more experience in the field. I didn’t want to let this go. Sure, I get nervous right before that camera goes on, but once I’m speaking… those nerves slowly disappear and that feeling… takes over. I want this… I need this.

I try and stay positive but I’m just afraid. I’m afraid that all my hard work will amount to nothing. I’m afraid that I’m not good at what I do. I’m afraid that I will never accomplish my dreams. 

I just, have to find a way…